Things I’m Struggling with After my Miscarriage

I’m not used to sharing such personal experiences, but if I know one thing, it’s that as alone and isolated as I feel, I am not alone. So I think one of the best things I can do for myself and other women struggling with a miscarriage or a trying-to-conceive journey is to share the things I’m struggling with after my second miscarriage.

1. Putting words together. It’s hard not only to figure out the feelings that I’m feeling, but also to put them into words and talk about them out loud. 
2. Telling the people who knew we were pregnant, that we are no longer expecting. People don’t usually know how to respond to these types of situations, and while they mean well, sometimes the response I get back hurts more than it helps. 
3. My stomach suddenly being flat. The loss of feeling bloated or smelling things across the room. The suddenly, ‘I’m not pregnant anymore’ reminders, thoughts, and feelings. 
4. The actual grieving process. I go through spurts of anger, sadness, frustration…small things throughout the day that trigger different negative feelings. I can suddenly have sushi or drink again. Not being able to move because I am cramping so bad. Flashes of a future that I thought was mine.
5. Mom guilt. I have two toddlers. I now have to explain that mommy isn’t feeling well, can’t sit on the floor to play with them, am not emotionally capable of being in the moment with them, or the fact that I’m just surviving the day right now. 
6. Accepting the idea that I won’t have any more kids. I love being a mom. I was so scared about how I would feel after having a second, and I couldn’t believe how much more I fell in love, and the way my heart grew. I would love nothing more than to have another, but I am beyond scared to have a third miscarriage. I don’t know if I have it in me to try again and I don’t know if I have it in me not to. 
7. PTSD. Having a miscarriage symptom like nausea and cramps or doing a daily task like using the bathroom and taking a shower, and then it puts me right back into the moment I knew it was happening.  

Please remember we all have different situations. We all grieve differently. I absolutely know how blessed I am to have two kids. That doesn’t take away that I’ve also lost two. I’m so sorry if you are going through this. Whether it’s your first pregnancy, second, third, or trying to conceive, wherever you are in this journey, I’m so sorry because I don’t wish this experience on any woman longing to be a mom. 

If you feel alone or are quietly suffering and need to talk, I am open, honest, and here to talk. 

RELATED POSTS: